NEW YORK – CBS has announced that Stephen Colbert will take over for David Letterman as their flagship guy who puts married upper middle class Americans to sleep every night.
“I look forward to entertaining America’s dreary middle-aged husbands in bed while their wives read beside them,” said Colbert in a written statement. “My dream as a comedian has always been to be on low volume in the background as the nation’s aging parents discuss the things they have to do at work the next day, and if they really have to go to yoga after.”
Speculation had been building for weeks that Colbert was in the running to replace Letterman as the guy who couples in their late fifties watch at 11:30 pm instead of making love to each other. Former front-runner Craig Ferguson was ruled out after CBS executives determined his Scottish accent might keep some people awake.
Colbert also addressed how his comedy, until now aimed at a younger demographic than CBS, might translate to the new network, saying that the move would allow for more experimentation: “if a bit’s not working, that’ll be okay, because being on CBS means half of the audience has already fallen asleep with the remote in their hand, and won’t see it anyway.”
Older married viewers around the country had mostly positive feelings about the change. “To be honest, I think Letterman ran his course a while ago,” said Daniel Miles, an accountant from New Jersey. “It’ll be nice to see a fresh face when I’m startled awake by my wife’s snoring and realize I need to turn the TV off.”
