NORTH AMERICA – The continent’s highways erupted in chaos today when thousands of elephants, rhinos, and giant spiders suddenly appeared in events related to the new popular travel version of the classic board game, Jumanji.
“We’d like to apologize to any families who have lost a child, or now have a monkey child, or may now have to share a car ride with Robin Williams,” said Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner. “That being said, we stand by our decision to make this unique portable gaming experience available to our loyal customers. Pick up a copy today!”
The travel edition of the game was released as part of a wider revamp of the “Jumanji” franchise, which first became popular after the self-titled 1995 documentary. Having sold over 100 000 copies nationwide already, officials fear that this is just the beginning of a long process that will see Animal Control roadkill crews working around the clock. Large clean-up efforts have already begun in bigger cities but less centralized communities are still finding even their most minor travel plans completely disrupted.
“I kept telling the kids to quiet down, but they just kept hollering that ‘this plant is eating me’’ and ‘there’s an antelope on my chest’,” reported Liam McGuire, a Red Deer resident and father of two. “I finally had to turn the car around when that 3-foot mosquito started sucking on my wife’s spine. No mall today, not when that’s how you behave!”
Following the grounding of all Air Canada flights due to crocodiles, the Canadian Weather Emergency Association has retained Dr. Mary-Anne Zoblowski, an expert on board game-related phenomena.
“This amount of bloodshed is entirely unheard of outside of a standard family Monopoly night,” says Dr. Zoblowski. “We fear that some people have already lost the tiny dice and self-moving, weakly magnetic pieces packaged with the game. Hasbro will have to send replacements, which may take weeks.”
Serious collectors are encouraged to check their store shelves regularly for new “Jumanji” special editions, including “Jumanji: Canada Edition”, “Jumanji For Dog Lovers”, and “Jumanji: Jurassic Park”.
