MONCTON – After she requested that he pick up some tampons on his way home, local man Christopher Brunel has broken up with his girlfriend of 11 months.
“At first, I was actually kind of excited to buy Lily some tampons,” Brunel said. “It’s sort of a status symbol. Buying them says, ‘Hey, look everybody, I’ve got myself a fertile vagina at home.’”
Sources say, though, that Brunel began to hyperventilate when actually confronted by the feminine hygiene aisle at a local drug store.
“I was overwhelmed by all the choices: does Lily have a wide-set vagina? Does she like her tampons bleached or unbleached? What is ‘flow’ and how do I know whether or not it’s heavy?”
Instead of making the purchase, Brunel opted to break up with his girlfriend via text message, flee to Mexico, and begin dating only postmenopausal women.
The girlfriend in question, Lily Philips, says the text did not catch her completely off guard.
“He was always a little bit over-dramatic. I sort of saw this coming after he faked a heart attack to get out of meeting my parents.”
