TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs finally landed the big, scoring executive they’ve so desperately needed on Friday, when the team named Hall of Famer Brendan Shanahan as its new President.
The move adds to the Leafs’ already impressive front office depth, which MLSE CEO Tim Lieweke says is crucial to the realizing the franchise’s ultimate goal of making as much money as is humanly possible.
“Anytime you can add a guy with 656 career goals to your club, it’s going to make a difference,” said Lieweke. “Even just the revenue we’ll generate from charging fans for Shanny’s autograph should boost our profit margins by a good three to five percent.”
Lieweke added that at 6’3” and 220 pounds, Shanahan would also create more room for his fellow executives to deposit the hundreds of millions of dollars in added revenue the team expects to generate from his hiring.
“I’ve already got our route to the bank mapped out,” boasted Lieweke. “We’ll go through Maple Leaf Square, up Front all the way to King, then hang a right until we hit Bay Street.”
It’s admittedly not the most direct route, but Lieweke says it’s important to the Leafs to give fans the chance to share in the club’s success.
“For a price, of course.”
