PORT COLBORNE, ON – Millions of Christians across the world from all sects are celebrating the miraculous resurrection of church attendance today.
Pews were packed with the reluctant faithful to remember the sacrifices made by people who regularly attend church.
“Church be praised!” exclaimed Father Luc Rousseau of St. Therese of Lisieux Roman Catholic Church. “Just like the scripture said: ‘After Christmas, Participation descended into apathy. On the fourth month, it rose again.’”
Before attending church, many older Christians practice the traditional Easter Guilt-Trip to empower their younger relatives to come with them to their respective religious services.
“I don’t know how I got roped into this” said Craig Blake, a 19 year old university student who now claims he’s an atheist. “I’m just here to please my aging grandmother. I don’t remember any of the prayers. Who’s the pope again?”
At the end of the service, the pastor or priest usually provides a three to five minute solemn scolding of the flock for not attending church more often before wishing them well until he sees them at Christmas.
“To be honest, I only go to Church twice a year too” admitted Father Rousseau.
