OTTAWA – At a press conference today Prime Minister Stephen Harper made two announcements: first, he revealed the astounding truth of a government department that oversees Canada’s various wizards, witches, and magical creatures; and second, that the Conservative government will make wide-ranging cuts to this supernatural ministry.
Amidst shocked silence in the press briefing room Harper revealed to reporters not only that magic does exist, but also the astounding and heretofore classified history of Canada’s magical lineage. He then added “It is now my duty to inform you that this wondrous and mysterious part of Canadian society will be shuttered due to budgetary concerns.”
Harper went on to expose how in 1867, when Canadian Confederation was ratified, a clandestine meeting also established the country’s first Ministry of Magic, under noted wizard Sir Frederick Archibald Mapletree. Since then the position of Minister of Magic has been appointed in secret, with notable ministers including William D’Arcy Ogopogo, Jean-Phillipe Fantôme, Melinda Wyvern, and Joe Clark.
Current Minister of Magic Rona Ambrose defended the government’s cuts, saying “I know magic is a popular branch of the government, but do you know how much it costs to house and feed hundreds of dragons, maintain records of every prophecy ever made, and put on a triwizard tournament every few years? Let me tell you, its a heck of a lot more Galleons than we make on HST of Firebolt sales.”
However, Liberal critic for Magic and Magical finance Ralph Goodale attacked the government during question period. “What this government does not realize is the danger they are exposing its citizens to in the form of wild Hippogriff attacks.” Goodale then added that he slashing of auror pensions was just another example of the government “failing to protect those who have spent their lives protecting us.”
While the Harper government outlined massive cuts to the size and scope of the Ministry of Magic in this year’s federal budget, some programs will remain. The nationwide registry of water gnomes will be folded into the Ministry of Fisheries and Oceans, while federally-funded alchemical studies aimed at transmogrifying lead into bitumen will continue. Also, youth Quidditch has been deemed eligible for the Children’s Fitness Tax Credit.
Harper also defended his government’s stance on the Ministry of Magic. “Canadians care about prosperity and tax cuts for middle class families. They don’t care about levitation spells and minotaurs and incredible secret societies of witches and wizards battling to protect the eternal balance between good and evil.” He added, “If they did care about such things, I’m sure they would tell us about it on the longform census.”
Reached for comment in his cupboard under the Parliament stairs, Federal opposition leader Thomas Mulcair was just happy anyone noticed him.
