THE LOST CITY OF TORONTO – Archaeologists from Simon Fraser University have uncovered the remains of an ancient transportation system below the surface of Canada’s largest settlement, in what they say is the archaeological find of the century.
“This find is very well preserved,” said Professor Andrew Prescott as he led reporters down to the remains of what primitive engravings on the walls denote as ‘Queen’. “We suspect that ancient Toronto’s primitive electronic chariots would enter from either end of this tunnel in order to pick up passengers, although the historical record preserved on that screen there suggests the train was delayed at the time this ruin was abandoned.”
Prescott warned reporters to be careful as due to its rundown condition and antiquated construction, there was a significant chance the structure could collapse at any time.
He then brought journalists to what he called the ‘piece de resistance’: a body in a maroon jacket and dark pants, almost perfectly preserved in a massive glass sarcophagus.
“From what we’ve been able to uncover, this traditional maroon garment denotes that this man was a member of a fraternal cult known as ‘TTC Operators.’ These individuals must have been highly respected, as Torontonians would regularly pay homage to them before entering the subterranean chariot loading zone. You can see the slots where people would make offerings in the form of coins or metallic tokens.”
The professor paused for a moment, looking in awe at the remains. “It’s almost as if he’s still merely asleep, just waiting for the next commuter.”
Prescott noted the absence of an electronic system for the offerings, remarking that in every other city where he had encountered subways, there had been what ancient sources call a ‘smartcard’ system widely in place.
“We can infer from the technology used here that Toronto’s settlers had very little contact with the outside world. This makes Toronto unique, as every other settlement of this size had managed to discover this technology for themselves, or import it from more advanced neighbouring civilizations.”
Despite uncovering such artifacts, some academics remained skeptical of Prescott’s revelations.
Dr. Kathy Gibson of the University of Winnipeg’s Faculty of Archaeology is one of them. She said the subway system is too small to have been of much practical use to most Torontonians, and therefore must have been ceremonial. She added as proof: “No real subway system would have a line consisting of only five stops that goes to nothing but an uninhabitable wasteland.”
