Sochi, Russia – Following a number of high profile security threats, Russian President Vladimir Putin has retained the services of hundreds of Cossacks, once the fabled horse-backed soldiers of the Russian Empire, to act as security guards at the Winter Olympics in Sochi. Their stated purpose will be to ward off any attempted attack by Islamic fundamentalist terrorists, and defeat an invasion by the 18th Century superpower, the Kingdom of Prussia.
“An event such as the Olympics poses an exceptionally attractive target for attack,” said the Russian leader in between judo chops. “Our country needed people who could infiltrate, expose and undermine the secret terrorist cells operating within our security perimeter, as well as prevent Otto Von Bismarck’s armies from gaining control over a vital Black Sea port.”
“We have significant concern that the terrorists are now working with the Kaiser himself to undermine our regime,” added Putin.
A regimented training system has been put in place, teaching the newly recruited soldiers how to identify various explosives based off smell, what techniques to use when confronted with a hostage situation, and how to properly counter artillery attacks using a flanking approach.
Though uncertain what exact danger they will face, most of the new recruits admitted they were determined to do their duty to their Tsar, Putin, in the pursuit of the Russian nation’s goals.
“As our opponent’s philosophical inspiration has written; ‘war is the continuation of politics by other means,’” mused Valeriy Dzutsev of Novocherkassk as he examined the gym bag of a suspected Chechen rebel in search of C4.
At press time, the Cossacks had successfully used their traditional dancing skills to kick three terrorists and one tourist from Frankfurt in the face.
