TORONTO – When Dion Phaneuf put pen to paper and signed his new contract extension with the Toronto Maple Leafs his face almost assumed the position of a smile, sources reported today.
Dave Nonis, General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs, claims his face had an uncontrollable twitch and his mouth almost made a grin.
“If he had smiled, I might have ripped up the contract before he could sign it,” Nonis said. “I know that usually his face looks like a block of cement with an axe wound in it, but the muscles were straining to approximate human emotion. I love that he is such a fun sponge. I like players like Phil Kessel and Dion Phaneuf who spend most of their time looking as if they’ve had a frontal lobotomy. It fits our team.”
Phaneuf, when asked by reporters how he felt, said nothing but mumbled platitudes.
“I’m really happy to remain in Toronto for the next years,” Phaneuf droned on monotonously. “I look forward to continuing our success and growth.”
The new contract means Phaneuf will be able to purchase more Red Bull hats, face wax, and copies of The Girl Next Door so that no one stumbles upon them in the discount bin and remembers when his wife tried to act.
