WASHINGTON – With the US government shut down, the National Security Agency is appealing to Americans to monitor the activity and conversations of their family, neighbors, colleagues and foreign looking people on the street.
“With the shutdown of several of our non-essential surveillance programs, we are asking all Americans to adopt new monitoring methods to maintain the ceaseless surveillance we all know and love” announced Keith B. Alexander, all-seeing head of the NSA. “This is why we are proposing an aggressive eavesdropping and rumor campaign entitled Operation Gossip Girl.”
Alexander has high hopes for Operation Gossip Girl and believes that over time the procedure should keep Americans as monitored as they are under the watchful eye of NSA computers.
“We have worked tirelessly with anthropologists to develop a social, person-to-person algorithm that should eventually simulate the omniscience we have achieved through technological means,” assures Alexander. “These techniques have been proven to work effectively in Stalin’s Russia as well as during the Chinese cultural revolution. I have the utmost faith in rumor-mill technologies.”
American households will be receiving a “heard it through the grapevine” kit in order to facilitate effective rumor spreading. The contents of the kit include; a glass for hearing through walls, tin cans and string to spread juicy news from window to window, loose-leaf paper with instructions on how to efficiently fold and pass notes in class or at work, and of course DVDs of the first three seasons of Gossip Girl as a how to guide.
Alexander has made a point to assure all Americans that “as long as we can maintain our culture of suspicion and over sharing that we bask in on the Internet and translate that into human-to-human contact, our Nation will be as secure as ever.”
