NEW YORK – Russian military intelligence has discovered that the genetic and agricultural giant Monsanto has been engaging in chemical warfare within Syria.
Putin announced this discovery after rappelling from his helicopter into the UN General Assembly in New York unannounced.
“Intelligence Minister Snowden informed me this morning of a longstanding Monsanto plot to involve in any civil war in order to claim territory for increased crop yield,” he said while beating his bare chest.“We must rush to intervene!”
“Claiming territory that does not belong to you is the right of a proud nation not the right of petty corporations!” he exclaimed.
When asked to respond to the Russian revelations Obama replied “Monsanto? Never heard of him.” hurriedly adding, after his agricultural minister Tom Vilsack whispered in his ear. “However, I’m sure he’s a great guy and would never do anything unethical, illegal, or harmful in any way.”
Russia is now recommending that the Security Council create a no-fly zone above Monsanto headquarters in St. Louis, Missouri and conduct a surgical strike against their strategic arsenal of tomatoes and seedless grapes.
