WASHINGTON D.C. – Three years after the previous talks collapsed, the governments of Israel and Palestine will begin a new round of direct talks in the hopes of achieving new and likely insurmountable impasses on resolving the conflict that has caused decades worth of death and destruction.
“It’s been far too long since these two sides have sat down and had an opportunity to stonewall each other on important regional questions,” said U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, “Nine months is our target for a breakdown in negotiations.”
Officials from both negotiating teams gave assurances that they were fully prepared to make a show of being ready to compromise on important issues right up until the point where they had to start making actual concessions.
Outside experts and citizens in both Israel and Palestine are cautiously optimistic that talks will go so far as to result in assurances of good faith by each party, coupled with a vague and ultimately unfulfilled pledge to meet again “shortly.”
Both sides were also said to be satisfied with the selection of John Kerry as the man responsible for facilitating the negotiations. Dr. Brian Murphy, an adjunct professor at the University of Toronto’s Munk School of Global Affairs stated, “His negotiating prowess may mean the difference between the talks derailing right away, or petering out months from now when leaders on both sides sacrifice long-term peace prospects for short-term political gain.”
At press time, both sides were very optimistic about the chances of getting a free lunch out of this.
