VICTORIA – According to a groundbreaking new study from the University of Victoria, applying sunscreen drastically increases your chances of looking stupid.
Researchers analyzed data from over 60 adults who were followed over a four month period. Half of them were told to apply SPF 20 or greater on their face and body. The other half were told to use sunscreen at their own discretion, unless they had any interest at all in ever getting laid.
“Among other things, we found that those who regularly used sunscreen to protect themselves from the sun’s harmful UV radiation ended up with an 85% higher chance of coming across as basement-dwelling dweebs,” said Dr. Steven Demelo, a researcher from the University of Victoria.
The findings of the completed study showed that open and widely-accepted public mocking was directly correlated with how much sand stuck to somebody’s back when they lay down at the beach.
“My shirt always felt really uncomfortable and sticky to put on after a day of wearing sunscreen at the beach,” said David Richards, a sunscreen-wearing participant in the study. “But at least I used the spray on kind and didn’t publicly rub myself down with warm cream, like some sort of pervert.”
Still, some dermatologists maintain that the findings just reinforce what cool people already know and tell their friends or colleagues.
“If you ask most dermatologists, they’ll tell you the only thing they recommend for people who really want to avoid looking like idiots in public is, ‘don’t use sunscreen,’” said Dr. Laura Chang, from UBC.
Nevertheless, the researchers hope that the study will raise awareness about how large a percentage of the public are complete fucking dorks.
“There’s definitely a sizable chunk of the population who leave a macroscopic filmy residue in the beach water when they go swimming,” said Demelo. “It’s not too much of a leap to assume they also practice other forms of questionable social behaviour, such as tucking their pants into their socks.”
The study concluded that getting cancer was preferable to using sunscreen, as the risk of premature death was offset by the existence of an actual shot at procreating.
