LAKE ATHABASCA, AB – After hours of fruitless waiting, Alberta fisherman Darren Rose’s patience was rewarded by the “once-in-a-lifetime” catch of a compacted mass of bitumen sand and fish skeletons over three feet in diameter.
“At first I thought I had just caught myself a piece of the bottom of the lake,” said Rose. “Then I realized that I had caught myself a piece of Alberta’s robust regional economy.”
Rose has celebrated his accomplishment by mounting the bituminous mass on a plaque above his mantlepiece.
“It looks great up there,” said Rose. “Now whenever I walk into my living room, I get all sick and dizzy with pride.”
Although Rose has had impressive catches before, he has never caught anything to rival the ball.
“The only thing that even came close was that giant pike I caught last summer,” Rose said. “Well, it was a pretty small pike, actually. But the tumors gave it a lot of added mass.”
Despite the status of local celebrity that the catch has brought him, Rose maintains that he fishes for family, not fame.
“There’s pride enough to be found in putting a fresh catch on the table every night. Whether it be the greasy corpse of a heron that I dragged out of a tailing pond, or somebody’s dog that floated over from Fort Chipewyan after drinking the river water, a man’s got to provide for his family.”
Sources say that Rose has already willed the tar ball to his eldest son, Darren Junior.
“The tar ball is great,” said Darren Junior, scratching at his mysterious rash, “I can’t think of a better legacy for my father to leave for me and my children.”
