VANCOUVER – In the aftermath of the successful arrest of two would-be terrorist bombers on Canada Day, the vast majority of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Force consider their careers having peaked and announced their immediate retirement.
The officers retiring are widely varying in rank and experience, though all those that submitted papers to end their careers in law enforcement listed variations of “can’t top that one” and “can only go down from here” as reasons for leaving.
“I mean, it’s amazing we didn’t bungle this one, eh?” mused newly retired RCMP constable Dave Richardson. “I can’t remember the last time we didn’t offend some broad, or use inappropriate force, or some kind of misconduct when making an arrest. It’s a Mountie miracle, we’re not going to fluke one out like this again! Know when to fold ‘em, bud.”
The remaining RCMP officers were praised today in an address by Assistant Commissioner Dwayne Rodite for their courageous choice to continue enduring their consistent under-performances. A follow-up memo strongly urged all officers to “really, really try not to lose or abuse the tasers too much” as the trial approaches.
