According to sources on Parliament Hill, MP and Minister for Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism Jason Kenney has recently been speaking more and more about his two major life goals: to enter into a loving and long-lasting relationship, and to remove all refugee claimants from Canada.
“The last time I was in the office,” said Kenney staffer Damien Nelson, “he was lamenting that he’s still single at 44, and wondering whether there was someone out there for him. Then, he started reminding me that false refugee claimants are gaming the system and costing honest, law-abiding Canadian taxpayers a fortune.”
“The Minister usually doesn’t get openly emotional in conversation, or talk much about his private life” said fellow staffer Alexander Langer. “But just the other day he told me, ‘There’s no safe country for my heart.’”
For his part, Kenney found himself up late at night, slowly singing the chorus of “all you need is love” while enthusiastically marking piles of immigration paperwork with an oversized “DENIED” stamp.
Reports indicate that proposed changes to Canada’s immigration criteria will favour single women with dimples and soulful brown eyes.
