TORONTO – A last minute deal between the Ontario Public Service Employees Union (OPSEU) and the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO) averting a strike that would have prevented Ontarians from purchasing alcohol for the Victoria Day long weekend has allowed residents to come into work happy and extremely hungover on Tuesday morning.
Peter Tomkin of Brantford, Ontario was in the city Sunday night for a party with his girlfriend, Sandy Pinkman. “You have no idea how happy we are,” he explained, as he held up Sandy’s hair while she threw up into the toilet. “It would have been absolutely ridiculous to allow petty labour disputes to disrupt everyone’s May 2-4.”
“Oh God, make the spinning stop,” added Pinkman between heaves.
The agreement allowed Ontarians to make the most out of their long weekend, including sleeping off hangovers for much of the day Saturday, Sunday and Monday, driving to the cottage while they and/or many of their fellow drivers were well above the legal limit, and being excited by a fireworks show they otherwise would have been cognisant enough to realize was incredibly lame.
“Both sides are satisfied with this deal,” commented OPSEU president Smokey Thomas. “At the end of the day we realized that issues of maternity leave and overtime pay for thousands of workers pale in comparison to the need of the province’s citizens to get blind stupid drunk for 72 straight hours.”
“Plus our members found out that if they went on strike they wouldn’t be able to get their hands on any booze either.”
At press time, a strike of the province’s weed dealers was threatening people’s enjoyment of weekends, mornings, afternoons and that time in the evening right after the hockey game and before Seinfeld re-runs come on.
