TORONTO – Following yesterday’s arrest of two individuals accused of plotting a terrorist attack on a VIA rail train, officers of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police were quick to point out that the operation was the result of months of investigation, surveillance, and inter-agency co-operation, and that the FBI can “suck a dick.”
“Every time we go to some international terrorism conference, the FBI guys show up in their tailored suits and skinny ties, looking like Don Draper but if he carried a gun and had the legal right to detain you for up to 48 hours,” said RCMP National Security chief Bob Lang. “And they go on and on about their advanced forensic equipment and detailed registry of suspected terrorists. Then they look over at us and ask where the ponies that match our hats are.”
“The other day I swore that if I heard one more Dudley ‘Douche’ Right joke, I was going to punch the son of a bitch who said it right in his brimless face,” added Lang.
And while the knowledge they have kept their country and its citizens safe from a potentially devastating attack is certainly reward in itself, the fact that the RCMP has succeeded in an area where the FBI has had some notable failings certainly does not hurt its officers’ spirit. Tactical team leader Tim Cook stated, “We saved a lot of lives today. And maybe Jeff [FBI press secretary Jeff Classington] will remember that next time he sends me a link to a gif of an RCMP officer’s hat getting blown off his head and rolling around while he chases after it.”
Others were more direct. “Oh, my hat is dumb is it? Well you know what isn’t dumb; carefully and discreetly monitoring the actions of suspected terrorists and developing a network of confidential informants so that we can catch terrorists before they attack, motherfucker,” said corporal Gilles Vaincourt while twirling his regulation stetson on his finger like a basketball.
The bust couldn’t come at a better time for the RCMP, which has recently been the target of vicious online bullying from the FBI and other older crime fighting agencies, who sent tweets, Facebook messages and emails to RCMP accounts with questions like “have you caught any stage coach robbers lately” and “do those hats come in not insane looking as well?”
“It’s like they don’t even get how good they are for keeping water off your face when it rains,” sighed Cook.
At press time, the RCMP were fielding a lot of congratulatory phone calls from Buckingham Palace royal guards.
