CALGARY – Nearly an hour into their meal at Cassis Bistro, sources were reporting that engaged couple Matt Saracen and Julie Taylor were still sorting out the details of who would sit where at their upcoming wedding, much to the detriment of their entire brunch experience.
“Well if we put Ray at the table with Lois, neither will feel bad that they didn’t bring anyone, because the other will be there,” said a weary Saracen as he attempted to eat some of his already cooling applewood smoked bacon.
“But then we have Max and Steve sitting next to Joan and Kat, and I think gays and lesbians are kind of like oil and water at big parties,” countered Taylor before adding, “I hope no one heard me say that.”
Their attempts did not progress much further, even when a waiter bringing some cinnamon flavoured water to the table spent twenty minutes helping them decide if Matt’s cousin Landry would “feel comfortable” sitting at a table with Julie’s high school friends. Over time, their discussion began to grate on the nerves of their fellow patrons.
“At first I thought it was charming that this young couple was planning their wedding together,” said brunch enthusiast Brian Williams, “but the fourth time they were like ‘where are we going to put uncle Tim?’ I just wanted to scream, AT THE BACK TABLE, AWAY FROM THE BRIDESMAIDS YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!”
The future newlyweds did eventually move on to other topics, including floral arrangements, wedding colours, and a brief consideration of whether all weddings are just a pointless exercise in planning designed to financially and morally ruin all foolish enough to participate in it.
