By a Sinkhole
Hey my man, I know you’ve been worrying about a lot of things lately – sharks, parasites you can only get in countries you will never visit, and the specific contents of that cheese based dish you ate at a dinner party last week to name just a few.
But it’s time to make some room on the list of things waking you up at 3 in the morning brother, because I’m coming to stay.
Did you hear that last week in Florida, I pulled a guy to his death while he was sleeping? Yup, came right in and gave him my patented ‘Now you see me, now you’re under the earth’ move. Works every time. Would have gotten a twofer with his brother too if the fuzz hadn’t shown up.
But I bet you’re thinking, “okay, so one guy died, its not like you dragged him so far down that authorities determined they had no chance to recover his body and would simply have to leave him there for eternity.” Was I right? Cool, cuz in addition to being a terrifying consequence of decades of bedrock erosion, I’m also pretty awesome at guessing shit. Oh and also, that’s exactly what I did.
Did you know that I can happen anywhere, anytime, and there is pretty much no way to know in advance? Oh and there’s no telling how deep my holes will open up to? That’s what she said am I right? If by she, you mean an unstoppable force of nature that will one day destroy you.
So Bro, time for you to start idly imagining what would happen when you’re walking back from starbucks with some chi-soy-penis flavoured coffee, and then the ground beneath your feet no longer exists. I’ll give you a clue: you won’t be finishing that coffee.
Because face facts mein frere, I’m pretty much all your other fears rolled into one giant package. Claustrophobia? You’ll be dreaming of crowded elevators when you have a millenia’s build up of sediment pushing against you. Heights? Does falling halfway to China sound like fun to you? Death? I’ll be blunt – I am going to kill you.
Good talk man. I look forward to seeing you anytime your brain is given an opportunity to idly think. I’ll be the giant hole you fall into.
