NORTH POLE – Santa Claus, the perennial bringer of Christmas joy, laid off 244 worker elves yesterday, while slashing hours and benefits to those who remain, citing costs of the Obamacare mandate.
Speaking from his workshop miles north of Fairbanks Alaska, where United States Postal Service delivers children’s wish lists, the iconic ‘Man in Red’ addressed a crowd of distraught worker elves.
“I thought that Christmas would go as expected, but the Obamacare mandate has left me dejected,” said Santa in a magical, yet sullen tone, his eyes lacking twinkle, his dimples less merry, his cheeks less rosey, his nose unlike a cherry.
“We ran the numbers through our adding machines, and the season has been soured by socialist schemes. This business will cut costs dras-tic-ally, starting with workers, despite all your pleas. I’m just the messenger, and I feel all your pain. But if you’re angry at me, know Obama’s to blame,” he said as he placed his hands around his belly, laughing as it shook like a bowl full of jelly.
Out of the 2000-plus elfen workforce, critics point out that, suspiciously, all 244 laid off were outspoken Obama supporters.
“I started complaining after Santa sent out that email to all of us right before the election that said that if we voted for Obama he’d fire everyone. We have rights, I said. You can’t tell us who to vote for. I guess I still have my rights, but now I don’t have a job,” said Barry Pixiefeathers, who used to wrap presents.
“I got a wife and three little elves to feed. How am I supposed to put gingerbread on the table now?” he added.
Santa’s email to his elves prior to Election 2012 where he threatened layoffs if Obama was re-elected.
Meanwhile, calls for a union continue to be quashed, as they have for centuries, the most recent incident occurring last week when mounted elf police on reindeer had to be called in to quell the workshop demonstrations.
“I worked for Santa for 223 years and today I come in and find out I’m out a job? I guess that’s the thanks I get. Santa’s changed. As Christmas became more and more commercial, he started acting less and less jolly, that is, less jolly behind our backs,” said Norman Magicbells, who used to place the heads on baby dolls.
Regardless, money is needed for the future of the operation and Santa is reticent to change his business model to start charging all the world’s good boys and girls for present delivery, instead relying on licensing revenue from granting malls the rights to use Santa’s name and image.
Alternative sponsorship has been discussed as Santa has been approached by the Foundation for Clean Coal, asking if he’d place free samples in good boys and girl’s stocking, but so far he’s refused, sticking to what he knows.
“As a job creator, I am responsible, it’s the President who’s naughty, that is demonstrable. Because his mandate forces employers to pay, Obama hates Christmas, in his secret Muslim way,” Santa said then turned and gave out a whistle, “Get back to work, elves, or prepare for dismissal!”
