JERUSALEM – The Israeli Defence Force (IDF) has drafted 14-year-old Becky Anderson to wage a social media war against enemy forces in Gaza. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu approved the measure to draft the catty, Twitter savvy teen late last night.
“We need people with superior social media capabilities and a 24/7 obsession with Facebook and Twitter,” said IDF’s Chief of the General Staff Rav-Aluf Benny Ganz. “Becky is the right fit given her 2500 Facebook friends, her gall to bully just about anyone and the ability to create convincing hearsay. She is a seasoned veteran of successful rumor campaigns against several of her classmates, her English teacher Mrs. Messier and her 9 year-old brother.”
“Remember the one she made up about Jessica Blaney in her science class about her having herpes?” Ganz reflected to other members of the staff. “That was so epic that I’m still convinced she has it.”
The IDF had previously been relying on an Air Force Colonel to conduct the social media war, but the 66-year-old accidentally sent photos of his 3-year-old grandson hugging the family dog to the executive cabinet of Hezbollah via twitter.
On her first day on the job, Becky has already bragged about Israel’s “sick” Iron Dome rocket defence system, started 10 rumors about Hamas’ sexuality and criticized an unsuccessful rocket attack on Sderot. Becky tweeted, “where’d you buy ur crappy rockets from? like the dollar store? fail. #justbombedyourhouse.”
“O-M-G, I cannot believe what Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade just posted!” Becky exclaimed reacting to a Facebook post from the Palestinian nationalist militia’s claim that Israel is a Zionist tramp of American imperialism. “everyone knows ur blowing iran u terrorist slut and ur like always wearing dirty clothes. get a washing machine. oh wait you don’t have running water cuz we bombed it. lol.” Becky posted in reply.
While Becky has proved to be a valuable weapon in the war, the IDF is concerned that Hamas could start a counter attack against her by pointing out the small mole on her left cheek. “We remind her everyday that it’s a ‘beauty mark’” Ganz said reassuringly. “We won’t even mention anything about her weight.”
