TORONTO – After 2 weeks, dozens of screenings and thousands of hours of your life spent in dark, dirty movie theaters, critics and audiences have agreed that the movie of the festival was that one you decided to skip.
“There is only one movie that audiences will remember TIFF 2012 for,” said film critic Richard Fourstar, “and that is definitely the film that you decided you couldn’t fit into your busy schedule.”
“It’s not just that the movie you missed was the best film,” agreed attendee Tiffany Splitteri. “It’s that years from now everyone who attended its premiere will be able to brag to their friends that they saw this movie first, and everyone who didn’t will have to describe their TIFF experience by talking about seeing the future runner up for best editing at the 2013 Oscars.”
Sources agreed that, when you decided to skip the movie that afternoon so you could do your laundry, you made the biggest mistake of your life as a moviegoer, probably because you are a culturally illiterate philistine who really enjoyed the Transformers series.
It’s actually pretty unbelievable that this happened to you again, after you spent much of the last 24 years trying to get over your choice not to attend the concert of a band named Nirvana on their first tour in 1989.
At press time, don’t even think about asking us to go see it with you when it comes out in theatres.
