OTTAWA – As Canada’s economic outlook grows increasingly unpredictable and difficult to understand, media outlets across the country are turning to Finance Minister Jim Flaherty’s varied facial expressions, which many now believe can provide the most reliable and comprehensible indicators of the nation’s financial stability.
“Most Canadians don’t actually understand economics,” said CBC financial correspondent Stephanie Koo. “And when Flaherty speaks about the economy, even if we try to boil it down for the public, we invariably end up with meaningless buzzwords, like action plans and red ink. These terms scare people. So they mostly rely on how his face looks to figure out what is going on.”
A $7 million research investment put forward by Canada’s largest media corporations, Bell Media, Rogers Communications, Shaw Communications, Astral Media, Quebecor, and the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, has been used to create a computer model that will analyze the Finance Minister’s face when he responds to global financial turmoil and seek to match his expressions with what that means for Canada’s economy.
“We’ve found that certain facial muscles and veins are more sensitive to certain economic news,” said CBC photographer Jerry Kallis. “For example, the vein on his left temple throbs whenever someone says ‘Greek austerity.’ And the muscles underneath his right jaw tighten whenever Canadian beef exports drop.”
“By contrast, when business tax cuts are pushed through at the federal level, Flaherty’s face looks relaxed, his wrinkles diminish and he sports a constant smirk of the lips.”
Yet the system is not without issues.
Yesterday, the photography team uploaded images of a downcast Flaherty in a state of abject despair. News analysts believed this indicated a global economic meltdown and a return to a hunter-gatherer society. The TSX immediately fell five hundred points. However, upon further investigation, analysts found Flaherty’s pre-parliament hotdog had too much relish on it, prompting the expression.
with files by Amir Ahmed
