GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Researchers at the new Human Studies Institute of the world famous CERN Laboratory in Switzerland announced today the results of their study into the human body, revealing that most humans are actually quite disturbing to look at.
“We’re raised to believe the human body is this beautiful, wonderful thing,” said Hans Mueller, head of the Institute. “But with this study we managed to prove the opposite is usually true.”
The study began with a physical examination of thousands of humans from every nation on earth. Each subject’s body was studied by a panel of five scientists. After careful evaluation, they gave either a thumbs up or a thumbs down. Well over 80% of the subjects received three or more thumbs down, diagnosing them as gross, scientifically speaking.
Asked what type of characteristics lead to the thumbs down, Anita Kincaid, chief data analyst, stated, “Cellulite was frankly a big problem; plus, do you know how many weird moles there are out there? It’s insane. Also, do yourself a favour and never look inside a human being’s ear canal unless you want to make yourself sick.”
Mueller concluded the press conference by saying, “a lot of people keep asking us ‘well how about inner beauty?’ and to them I just want to say that we performed numerous laparoscopies on our subjects, all of which demonstrated that inner beauty does not actually exist.”
