By Your Genes
Well, we’ve been a pretty convenient whipping boy. Always there to take the heat of personal responsibility.
You’re 40 pounds overweight, damn. You must have got that fat bastard uncle Steve gene, you say?
Really? You don’t think your sedentary lifestyle and cheese curds had something to do with it? You’re the same person who once put condensed milk on a steak. You ate three servings of pork a day for 8 years. My god man, you’ve been leaning on us to hold you together for years.
Blaming your alcoholism on your Irish ancestry, eh? You know who else is part Irish? Warren Buffett. He never pissed himself at his wife’s 40th birthday party. You drink more like Jimmy Buffett, come to think of it, you also invest more like Jimmy Buffett, and we’re pretty damn sure he never dipped his toe in this pool.
You’re stubborn just like your father? We’ll let you in on a little secret, there is no stubborn gene. The fact that you and your father are both idiots is not genetic. Your father is an idiot and his idiotic ass raised another idiot. That’s the circle of idiot life.
Another thing, we don’t want to hear any more of this I have an addictive personality crap. Like that was a gift from your genes.
Well my dad had an addictive personality; he got it from his mother. Again, that’s not genetic, you’re all schmucks. You get in the habit of getting in habits. You saw your parent do it, now you do it. Stop doing it. Fuckhead.
What about your more successful relatives, How about your uncle Larry? See how well he turned out?
Drove a truck for the post office for 30-years, he’s got a nice house, close, loving family.
He’s swimming in the same gene pool, dick head. How do you explain that shit?
Sure he’s been bald since the age of twenty and he’s a civil war re-enactor. Nobody’s perfect.
And how about your cousin Eric? He just made the honour roll at university. That kid’s alright in my books, and he inherited a lot of messed up genes from his father (he of the race track and the glug glug) that you were spared.
To summarise, stop eating like you’re in a contest to leave the heaviest corpse. Stop drinking like you’re a goddamn pirate of the caribbean.
Stop being a stubborn, easily fooled puppet of your emotions and we’ll try to keep this train wreck on the tracks for a few more god forsaken years.
Sincerely
Your Genes
