KINGSTON, ON – The discovery of 15-year-old Stacey Bradenham’s very secret diary has proven disappointing for the Bradenhams, sources from the family report.
“I was pretty excited at first,” said Mr. Bradeham, who found the diary under a loose floor board while vacuuming his daughter’s room. “We all thought Stacey was a pretty wild and emotional girl, so this was supposed to be a big deal. But after spending a few minutes reading her diary, we realized that our daughter is one big snooze fest.”
The family said that while they felt comforted learning their daughter behaves responsibly, they worry that Stacey is lame.
“I guess I’m happy she’s still a virgin and doesn’t do drugs,” he continued. “Still, what’s the point of keeping a record of your teenage years if you live like a librarian? What’s the feaking point?”
“What a disappointment,” Stacey’s mother, Phyllis Bradenham, said after thumbing through the diary for fifteen minutes. “This is what she’s been trying so hard to keep hidden from me all these years?”
Mrs. Bradenham said she was expecting “juicier” entries from her daughter because of the numerous times she had seen her crying while on the phone or after returning from school.
“You’d think there’d be all kinds of interesting, dark and secretive stuff in here,” she said. “But, take this whole break-up thing with [her ex-boyfriend] John, for example. Give me a break. They dated six weeks and, from what I gather from her entries, she barely let him get to second base. Hardly worth four pages of poetry.”
Mrs. Bradenham also complained about poor spelling and “shoddy” illustrations which didn’t reflect the money she had spent on art courses for her daughter.
“It’s pretty disappointing to see a locked, leather bound journal being used for such amateur purposes.”
According to Mrs. Bradenham, her own teenage diary is a better reflection of a “life worth living,” and includes entries that might get her arrested if it fell into the wrong hands.
“Petty crime, drugs, you name it,” Mrs. Bradenham said. “For example, there’s an entry on August 12th in my diary when I totalled my dad’s car. On August 12th of Stacey’s diary, she was volunteering at a soup kitchen. So brutal.”
Stacey’s contacts outside the family were less surprised by the diary’s boring content. Her high school guidance counsellor, Bart Wilson, said Stacey often visits her in tears but “rarely has anything worth saying out loud.”
“She’ll come in to see me at least once a week with some sob-story,” Wilson said. “Just typical boring teenager stuff, though. Nothing to write home about.”
At press time, the Bradenham family was feeling much better after discovering a pack of cigarettes in Stacey’s school bag.
