TORONTO – After a strong performance in the Rio Olympics, Team Canada’s athletes have returned home to glory, accolades, and numerous retail positions. “Get out of my way! My shift at Tim H…
Tag: Rio 2016
Ryan Lochte wins gold in 400m ‘Making Up A Robbery’
RIO – American swimmer Ryan Lochte has won his second gold medal of the Rio Olympics, this time in the Men’s 400m Making Up A Robbery That Never Actually Happened. “This is unreal, kind of …
Derek Drouin wins high jump gold while trying to escape horde of Rio rats
RIO DE JANEIRO – With a jump of 2.38m, 26 year-old Derek Drouin earned a gold medal in the high jump while trying to escape from a large group of rats that had found their way into the Rio …
7 dead after stray cigarette accidentally sets water in Olympic pool on fire
RIO DE JANEIRO – Seven are dead and 33 injured after a lit cigarette accidentally fell into the Olympic pool during a men’s semi-final heat for the 100m butterfly. “When I saw the cigarette…
Canadian child dreams of one day winning an Olympic bronze medal
BURLINGTON, ON – After witnessing Team Canada’s performance at the Rio Olympic Games, budding amateur athlete Karen Herder has been inspired to chase her dream of one day bringing home a br…
Glowing swamp monster emerges as medal favourite in Olympic aquatics
RIO DE JANEIRO – A swamp-being of untold horror that recently emerged from the depths of Rio’s polluted waterways has become an immediate medal favourite in all aquatic events at the Summer…
Rio Olympics opening ceremony includes memorial to all athletes expected to die during Rio Olympics
RIO DE JANEIRO – In a somber moment during the opening ceremonies for the Rio de Janeiro Olympic Games, a memorial video played in tribute to all the athletes expected to die in the coming weeks.…
IOC to punish Russia for doping by forcing its athletes to compete in Rio Olympics
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – The International Olympic Committee has announced that, as punishment for the recent state-sponsored doping revelations, all of Russia’s athletes will be forced to partici…