VANCOUVER – In a show of parental misconduct that would horrify even the most child-avoidant of people, a baby was spotted in a local cafe wearing jeans. The baby in question, Gerald Culver…
Tag: horror
Coffee shop employee ominously begins setting up microphone
LETHBRIDGE – According to sources embedded in The Bean Machine, all of the coffee shop’s patrons groaned when they saw an employee open a cupboard and remove a microphone stand. “I figured she wa…
Cheers turn to silent horror as New Year’s countdown reads -1, -2, -3
NEW YORK — Excited cheers rang out over a much sparser but still festive Times Square Thursday evening as the few onsite personnel gathered to bid farewell to 2020. But the usual joyful chants of…
Summer camp closure leaves masked killer with too much free time
VANCOUVER, BC – With the cancellation of summer camp programs across the country, escaped murderer Billy Webber is finding himself unsure of how we will spend the season without a fresh bat…
UK government advises residents to pick up cricket bat, wait by door for coronavirus
LONDON – Expanding on the U.K. government’s new advice that the public deal with the ongoing health threat of COVID-19 by “staying alert,” Prime Minister Boris Johnson is also recommending …
Local woman fears she’s become a secondary character in a horror movie
VANCOUVER – Penelope Fagan doesn’t know exactly when she became a supporting character in a horror movie but she’s certain that’s what’s happening to her. “It all started when my friend Bet…
Who didn’t set their gym on fire and murder dozens of classmates when they were a teenager?
By Carrie White As I watched the claims against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanuagh unfold last week, I admit I was disturbed. Not by the alleged details themselves, but by everyone’s rush to j…
Summer camp proprietor really hoping these unexplained axe murders blow over
HALIBURTON, ON – With the body count of attractive teenage victims rising, local summer camp proprietor, Mel Heinman, 57, told reporters yesterday he really hopes all these unexplained axe-…
QUIZ: For God’s sake, what do the ghosts want?!?
Everyone has noticed the cryptic signs that form disturbing patterns around their home every evening. But are you able to decipher what the forces from beyond the veil want of you? Dear Lord what…