TORONTO – Hypebeasts around the world found themselves disappointed after the new revelation that Supreme gas is not actually a petroleum collab as they had thought all this time. It was co…
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Corporations disappointed they won’t be able to commodify queer culture this year
TORONTO – In an effort to stop the spread of COVID-19, Toronto Pride has been cancelled and corporations are scrambling to figure out how they can best commodify queer culture this year. “P…
Local teen grounds parents for sneaking out of the house
Sherbrooke, QC – Local teenager, Jeremy Powers, has grounded his parents for continuously leaving the house and not heeding Public Health’s warning to self isolate. “I’m at the end of my wi…
Doug Ford extends quarantine after learning how long it takes to grow out bangs
TORONTO – Having announced a two-week-long state of emergency roughly two weeks ago, Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced that the province-wide order would be extended after he learned how …
Local psychopath still planning on celebrating April Fools’ Day
Kelowna, BC – Local man and absolute lunatic George Black says that, despite literally everything happening right now, he still intends to go all out for April Fool’s Day. “I know people ar…
Government classifies ‘dat ass’ as an essential service
OTTAWA – Following weeks of public confusion, the federal government of Canada has finally declared that ‘dat ass’ is an essential service which must continue despite the coronavirus pandem…
Canadian government scolds citizens for not fully embracing its half-measures
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has made it clear he is very disappointed in members of the Canadian public for not electing to do everything they can to stop the spread of COVID-19,…
Virus enters man without consent
RIKERS ISLAND, NY – Jailed rapist Harvey Weinstein has claimed that the novel coronavirus that causes COVID-19 has penetrated his body without his consent. Tests have confirmed the presence…
Group hanging out in park presumably celebrating the blood on their hands
VANCOUVER – A group of friends chatting, drinking and generally having a grand ol’ time in the park this past weekend were presumably celebrating the fact that they are now responsible for …
NCAA searching for new ways to exploit student athletes after cancellation of March Madness
INDIANAPOLIS, IN – The cancellation of college basketball’s March Madness tournament due to the COVID-19 crisis has left the NCAA scrambling to find new ways to exploit their 500,000 studen…
