OTTAWA – The government of Canada is officially ordering all Canadians to do their part to stop the spread of the deadly novel coronavirus by ceasing any and all worship of the divine entit…
Tag: Coronavirus
Comedy community rallies to create online show that people will also not watch
SKYPE – In a heartwarming story of determination, the local comedy community has rallied together to create an online show that people will also not watch. “I just started thinking of all t…
Disney World employee just now realizing he forgot to put food down for Goofy before he locked up
ORLANDO, FL – A Disney World employee is in hot water after realizing he locked up for quarantine without leaving food down for Goofy. “Bob (Chapek, fmr. Director of Disney Parks) had creat…
Health Canada implements new rule that customers can only leave grocery stores with as much food as they can fit in their cheeks
OTTAWA – Amid widescale reports of hoarding and empty store shelves, the Federal Government has mandated that all grocery store customers can only purchase as much food as they can store in their…
Local man damned if he’s going to let self isolation motivate him to exercise
VANCOUVER — Local sales manager Brett Thomas has stated in no uncertain terms that he’s damned if he’s going to let his self isolation and time away from work motivate him to exercise. “I underst…
“We promise this article has nothing to do with COVID-19” by the Beaverton editorial board
To our devoted readers, hello, bonjour. We, at the Beaverton, can’t decide what’s worse: being inundated daily by negative news or instagram live notifications. Trust us – we are just as ti…
Trudeau airs a coronavirus update rerun, to see if anyone notices
OTTAWA – After several weeks of daily broadcast addresses on the government’s coronavirus response, Prime Minister Trudeau today decided to re-air a previous clip to see if Canadians would …
“Thank god for service workers” says man who will oppose minimum wage hike in 9 months
Oshawa, ON – Local man Keith Spahr is adding his voice to the millions of Canadians currently expressing gratitude at the people who are allowing us to buy groceries and other essential ite…
FDA eases restrictions on gay blood donors unless they’re hot
SILVER SPRING, MD – In the face of an urgent need for blood donations, the Food and Drug Administration has revised its blood donor guidelines to allow gay men to donate so long as they are…
Corporations disappointed they won’t be able to commodify queer culture this year
TORONTO – In an effort to stop the spread of COVID-19, Toronto Pride has been cancelled and corporations are scrambling to figure out how they can best commodify queer culture this year. “P…
