OTTAWA – With Americans voting today to determine the next President of the United States, every single Canadian has announced plans to keep their lights shut off in hopes that they will no…
Tag: Canada
Trudeau to retain party leadership until newer, worthier Trudeau steps forward
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced he will step down from the Liberal Party leadership – as soon as a newer, worthier Trudeau comes forward to take his place. Trudeau, who has h…
Canadian takes full five seconds to translate “doughnut hole” to “Timbit”
ANN ARBOR, MI ― Kitchener native Tobias Sanders took a solid five seconds today to work out the meaning of his American friend Cory Easton’s invitation to “grab some doughnut holes” at a local sh…
Liberals change rules so more Canadians can buy the shittiest condos ever built
OTTAWA – The Trudeau Liberals have announced relaxing of several mortgage rules, all with the intent of allowing more Canadians to barely afford the crappiest, tiniest investment condos tha…
Entire North American GDP just 26,000 Slack messages in a trench coat
OTTAWA – It was with a mix of embarrassment and concern that economists announced yesterday that almost the entire North American GDP, long thought to be a mature economy, is actually just …
Canada Olympic soccer coaches win gold in “Illegal Drone Spying” event
PARIS – Following the decision by FIFA judges to punish the Canadian women’s soccer organization for illegally surveilling their opponents’ practice, the International Olympic C…
Cape Breton to create new, more annoying time zone between Atlantic and Newfoundland time
CAPE BRETON REGIONAL MUNICIPALITY – In a surprise move, the residents of Cape Breton island in Nova Scotia have announced that as early as next year, Cape Breton will have its own small and…
Aides explaining to confused Trudeau how unpopular leader dropped re-election bid
OTTAWA – Aides to Prime Minister Trudeau have reportedly spent several hours attempting to explain how Joe Biden, a similarly left-leaning incumbent with low polling numbers, actually willi…
Federal government announces O Canada will now begin with 15 seconds of unskippable ads
OTTAWA – The federal government has announced that, beginning on January 1, 2025, all renditions of O Canada played anywhere in the country will be required to start with 15 seconds of unsk…
Canada looks to break humiliating 106-year South American soccer championship drought
EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. – The Canadian men’s national soccer team plays Argentina in the Copa America semi-final tonight, as Canada looks to end its pathetic century-long title drought in South Ame…
