LONDON – According to a new study by Google, Prince William has finally been crowned king… as sexiest bald man. As if Mr. Clean wasn’t literally right there the entire fucking time. Eileen …
World
UK: don’t say bad things about our rich mummy
LONDON – The United Kingdom reacted with outrage to jokes about Queen Elizabeth II’s passing by demanding everyone stop saying bad things about their rich mummy. “Rich mummy was…
Queen’s Commonwealth address stresses importance of family, friends, and not cooperating with the FBI in the ongoing Jeffrey Epstein investigation
WINDSOR – Queen Elizabeth II’s video message celebrating Commonwealth Day was a plea to all her subjects to focus on the people close to them in times of adversity and to never, ever give t…
Boris Johnson holds emergency press conference to remind everyone his hair still looks like that
LONDON – UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson held an urgent press conference this morning to inform those who didn’t already know that his hair still looks like an old hay mop that’s missing so…
Report: Guinness Book of World Records going to be extra bleak this year
LONDON, UK – An early preview of the 2021 edition of the Guinness Book of World Records suggests that the reference book will be much more grim than previous volumes, owing to the nature of…
Russian opposition leader Navalny will get fair trial, says head judge Vladimir Rutin
MOSCOW – Following the arrest of frequent Vladimir Putin critic Alexei Navalny, skeptics have been assured that the upcoming trial will be fair and impartial, according to newly-appointed h…
Cheers turn to silent horror as New Year’s countdown reads -1, -2, -3
NEW YORK — Excited cheers rang out over a much sparser but still festive Times Square Thursday evening as the few onsite personnel gathered to bid farewell to 2020. But the usual joyful chants of…
Milky Way galaxy shut down after discovery of human fighting ring
ANDROMEDA – The Intergalactic Law Enforcement Bureau (ILEB) has announced an immediate seizure and shutdown of the nearby Milky Way galaxy upon discovering the presence of a long-running hu…
Pope Francis supports gay civil unions in an attempt to bring Catholicism into the ‘90s
VATICAN CITY – Speaking in a new documentary, Pope Francis has revealed his support for legal recognition of same-sex civil unions as part of his revolutionary plan to make the Roman Cathol…
Entire world stocking up on celebration champagne “for no reason, just in case”
EARTH – Across the globe sales of champagne, a beverage commonly associated with celebrating good news, have spiked, with customers insisting it’s “not for any particular occasion” while si…
