RIO DE JANEIRO – In a somber moment during the opening ceremonies for the Rio de Janeiro Olympic Games, a memorial video played in tribute to all the athletes expected to die in the coming weeks.…
World
Germany excited to finally be good guy in next World War
BERLIN – Speaking before an assembled group of reporters, Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany has announced the entire nation is thrilled that they will probably be considered a good guy in the u…
Trump promises America endless sexual pleasure through ritual mutilation
CLEVELAND – In a controversial speech at the Republican National Convention, Donald Trump promised the United States that undying sexual rapture could be theirs, if only they would give the…
ISIS takes credit after Saleem accidentally totals Dave’s car
MISSISSAUGA, ON – The Islamic State-affiliated news agency has released a bulletin claiming responsibility, after Saleem accidentally totaled Dave’s car on the way home from sushi last nigh…
World just going to take a nap until the bad stuff goes away
EARTH – The entire population of the planet has announced this week that it intends to simply lie down for a little nap until all the evil, violent, and hate-filled things that occur daily disapp…
NRA releases statement regretting tomorrow’s shooting
FAIRFAX, VA – The National Rifle Association has issued a press release expressing its ‘sincerest regrets’ for the mass shooting that will, with ‘complete certainty,’ happ…
Teens super stoked to survive summer abroad in Aztec death temple
MEXICO – With high school classes nationwide out for the summer, one group of Canadian teens is preparing to spend an exciting summer abroad in the most profane temple of Chalchiuhtotolin. …
Brexit aftermath: Norman immigrant harassed on bus
NORWICH, UK – A video of a man harassing a Norman immigrant on a bus has gone viral as part of a rise in xenophobic incidents following the UK’s vote to leave the European Union. “You fucking imm…
Europe thrilled it’s going to have fewer English tourists
BRUSSELS – After the shocking outcome of last night’s Brexit vote, citizens of the EU say they’re ‘ecstatic’ there are going to be fewer English tourists around. “Obviously, it’s heartbreak…
Nation that took over world sick of being controlled by external power
LONDON – The United Kingdom, a country whose empire once controlled and exploited half the world, has voted to free itself from the tyranny of the European Union. “I’m sick of my country be…
