ST. JOHN’S – Dougie McDonough, 44, got to fulfill every curling fan’s dream yesterday at a bonspiel final when he caught the game-winning stone at the expense of the majority of his bones. …
Sports
Update: Canadians realizing silver medal not worth health risk
EDMONTON – Canadians from across the country came to the realization that coming in second place wasn’t worth the risk of inviting dozens of international players and coaching staff to Cana…
RCMP warns of increased sectarian violence ahead of NHL’s new All-Canadian division
OTTAWA, ON – The RCMP has issued a Media Advisory warning Canadians of an increase in bloodshed, property damage and general assholery due to the NHL’s creation of an All-Canadian division,…
All-Canadian NHL Division contributes to national unity by causing fans to hate all the other Canadian teams
NEW YORK – Rejoicing at the NHL’s nation-building project, Canadian hockey fans are ready to absolutely hate every opposing Canadian team. The new North Conference places all of the country…
In preparation for Florida move Raptors replace logo with image of shirtless man shooting fireworks at an Alligator
TAMPA – As part of their preparation to temporarily become a Florida based NBA team the Toronto Raptors have replaced their ‘claw’ logo with a cartoon of a shirtless man shootin…
Hundreds of Leafs fans demand the NHL “stops the steal” of the Stanley Cup
NEW YORK – A loud and boisterous crowd of fans are demanding the NHL stop the conspiracy to steal the Stanley Cup from the Toronto Maple Leafs. Approximately 200 fans protested outside the …
“Athletes have the easiest job ever,” says man who would cry if his employer traded him to Winnipeg
Mississauga, ON – Local supply chain middle-manager Arnold Buckler has come under fire for recently stating his belief that athletes have the easiest job ever. This statement was made despi…
Breaking: Stanley Cup won 6 days ago
TORONTO OR EDMONTON – Late reports indicate a team has won the NHL’s Stanley Cup nearly a week ago. The two ice hockey squads played four to seven matches sometime in late September for the…
Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it
VANCOUVER – Early reports indicate a Vancouver Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it. Thomas Sinclair of Port Moody has not made a single comment to his friends or family about his team…
Tough NHL players able to play through injuries, civil rights movements
TORONTO – Proving once again that they are the toughest professional athletes on planet Earth, NHL players took to the ice last night, overcoming a litany of injuries and moral qualms about…
