OTTAWA – Canadians across the country have spent their weekends filling sandbags, barricading their doors, and stocking supplies in preparation for the 2019 election bullshit. “The writ has…
National
Elections Canada concerned facts may interfere with federal election
OTTAWA – Elections Canada is issuing a special warning to all advocacy groups that they should not issue any scientifically verifiable facts during the election that would interfere with Ca…
Canadian lectures American on how only 17 people were shot in Toronto over the weekend
TORONTO – In an effort to demonstrate Canada’s superior gun laws and protection of its citizens, local man Jared Wilson chided his American friend for not having smaller scale mass shooting…
Nation’s architects admit they don’t know what they’re doing
CANADA – The country’s architects have admitted they have no idea what they’re doing when it comes to designing any building. “I just make shit up as I go along,” confessed Lennox Elm who s…
Budget-wise Canadian military purchases cheaper No Name missiles
OTTAWA – Working within a tighter budget for a middle-power, the Department of National Defence says it will be saving money by going with the No Name Brand missiles instead of the more exp…
Children agree not to get abducted after 8 PM so Amber Alert doesn’t wake anyone up
TORONTO – After receiving numerous complaints about Canada’s Amber Alert system that is activated day or night, the nation’s children have agreed to restrict their abduction times between t…
Government: Impoverished First Nations children clearly haven’t seen Canada’s #1 rating in quality of life by US News
OTTAWA – The federal government has responded to a study indicating half of all First Nations on-reserve children live in poverty by pointing out that they just haven’t seen how Canada is r…
Nation’s toddlers refusing to budge on no-nap policy
OTTAWA – With negotiations dragging on until well-past 3pm, the nation’s parents say they have reached an impasse with their toddlers, who are steadfastly maintaining a strict no-nap policy…
Cartoonist fired after viral cartoon threatens to keep print media relevant
SAINT JOHN, NB – Editorial cartoonist Michael de Adder was let go from Brunswick News Inc. just days after his viral cartoon of President Trump golfing near the bodies of dead migrants thre…
Meet the Air Canada passenger left on the same plane for the past 15 years
TORONTO – He’s been reported missing by his family since 2004, but Kurt Sampson is alive and well, and still trapped on the same Air Canada flight he boarded to Calgary. The now-bearded tel…
