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National
Closing of local Tim Hortons finally convinces residents their town is horrible
CORNWALL, ON – Tim Hortons closed its only Cornwall branch earlier this week, causing locals to suddenly realize how terrible their hometown is. “I don’t think we can recover from thi…
Dozens hospitalized in quest to fry world’s largest beaver tail
GATINEAU, QC – Dozens have been hospitalized in Gatineau county yesterday following a failed attempt to fry the world’s largest beaver tail. Town residents were looking to make the re…
Canada lies about age to be admitted into elite world country club
GENEVA, CH – Sources inside one of the world’s oldest and most opulent country clubs have indicated that the country of Canada may have lied about its age in order to be considered for memb…
Bob Rae sells Liberal Party at Vegas Pawn Shop
LAS VEGAS – While vacationing with family in Las Vegas earlier this week, interim Liberal leader Bob Rae appeared on the History Channel’s Pawn Stars to sell the Liberal Party of Canada. Th…
Tour guide lost for weeks
LASHBURN, SK – Over 19 days and 12 hours since beginning a routine 90-minute hop-on hop-off bus tour of Vancouver, lost tour guide Gary Grant and his charge of tourists unknowingly crossed …
‘Occupy Toronto’ successfully undermines ‘Occupy Wall Street’
TORONTO – ‘Occupy Toronto’ protesters are celebrating their media gains over ‘Occupy Wall Street’ this week. “People didn’t think we had it in us,” said Alek Brondowin, a protester. “But slowly w…
Bob Rae asks NDP for merger while licking his lips in suggestive way
OTTAWA – Interim Liberal leader Bob Rae asked the NDP party to merge while licking his lips in a suggestive manner, according to House of Commons sources. Rae allegedly sat across from the …
National Spelling Bee abuzz over substance abuse allegations
TORONTO – The Canadian spelling bee circuit is once again under fire after allegations that one of its star participants has been under the influence of illegal performance enhancing substa…
Manitoba calls just to see how it’s going
OTTAWA – The province of Manitoba called late last night “just to see how it’s going,” according to a custodian working after-hours in Parliament. At approximately 2:00 am, East Block janit…
