OTTAWA – At a press conference today, the Prime Minister announced plans to begin fast-tracking refugee applications from any and all Syrian refugees who can prove they’ve never visited the…
National
Boring Canada still has no Ebola: report
OTTAWA – Citizens are expressing boredom with the fact that Canada still has no cases of Ebola, a new report finds. “It’s good that we’re safe but Canada news is so boring. Just…
Harper authorizes use of CF-18s for Question Period
OTTAWA – In response to increasing instability, Prime Minister Stephen Harper authorized the deployment of Canada’s fleet of CF-18s to the combat aggressive insurgent forces present in Ques…
Canada’s first case of Ebola wondering where to find airport exit
MONTREAL – Canada’s first future Ebola patient has been aimlessly walking around in the arrivals section of Montreal’s airport for the past 15 minutes in a search for the exit. Harold Sidn…
Paul Calandra answers questions about Iraq with squash soup recipe
OTTAWA – Paul Calandra recited ingredients from his favourite squash soup recipe this morning after he was asked by NDP leader Tom Mulcair to give information about Canada’s deploymen…
Undercover Mountie still on horse
VANCOUVER – Undercover RCMP officer, Michael Reynolds, has neglected to dismount prior to his infiltration of a dangerous drug ring in British Columbia. “This is one of the highest traffic …
Conservative bill proposes refugee exchange program
OTTAWA – Conservative party insiders have reported the government will move forward with an addendum to Bill C-585, which will create a program to send Canadians to war torn countries aroun…
The guy who replaced Jack Layton to wear name tag
OTTAWA – In an effort to get Canadians accustomed to his name, the Official Opposition Leader who replaced the late Jack Layton will now be wearing a name tag during working hours. “Canadia…
Human Rights Museum to revitalize Winnipeg’s economy by showcasing the suffering of others
WINNIPEG – Canada’s Human Rights Museum, with its seven floors of exhibits on the brutality endured by peoples the world over, is expected to be an economic boon to the city. “If it weren’t for t…
Newfoundland Premier-Designate accused of insufficient quirkiness
ST. JOHN’S – The winner of Saturday’s Progressive Conservative Leadership race, Paul Davis, stands accused of being insufficiently unusual to lead Newfoundland and Labrador. Opposition pol…
