MONCTON – Local baby, Margaret O’Connor-Williams, has reportedly uttered “CRA is experiencing longer than normal call volume” as her first word due to her parents having been on hold with t…
Local
Entire population taking the same goddamned hike at the same goddamn time
GATINEAU, QC – Reports indicate that every goddamned person out there and their dog is taking the same hike you’re taking. Billions gathered at the trailhead as an alternative to indoor act…
Local man schedules his authoritarianism anxiety around his pandemic anxiety
RED DEER, MB – Local man Marcus Strohn has reported creating an efficient schedule that balances his anxiety over the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic with his anxiety over the creeping global m…
Kindergartener hoarding crayons to make great landlord one day
TORONTO – Little Braydon Humphries, 4, a precocious kindergartener with a penchant for taking all the crayons for himself has already been pegged by his teacher as someone who will definite…
Woman’s entire personality is IBS
LETHBRIDGE, AB – Friends and family of local woman Ayesha Perera have reported that they are concerned that her personality now consists entirely of speaking about her irritable bowel syndr…
Mom’s anecdote of running into Barb transformed into twelve volume saga
KITCHENER, ON – In a developing story, local mom and master orator Ruth Baxter, 57, has miraculously transformed her anecdote of running into Barb, a woman her family has only a passing fam…
Friend asking if you’re doing Sober October this year can fuck all the way off
Selkirk, MB – During a recent Zoom hang your friend Matt asked if you will be refraining from drinking this month, because he’s a piece of shit who should shut his shit mouth. “…
Newly engaged couple posts Jimmy Hoffa-level mystery instead of just saying “We’re engaged”
FACEBOOK – Daniel Cropsky and Melanie Vitker have both posted a photo of a skyline with the caption “We’re mine now!”, and their friends are completely flabbergasted. “I am almost certain t…
Man with eyepatch tired of people assuming he’s interesting
BARRIE, ON – Local everyman Paul Huller is reportedly fed up with the misconception that he lives an exciting life due to the fact he wears an eyepatch. “I honestly don’t know where people …
Braless woman braces for nipply weather
MISSISSAUGA, ON 一 Since the start of September, staunch anti-bra advocate Laurel Cobb has been preparing herself and her nipples for colder autumn weather. “Fall is definitely the hardest season …
