NEW YORK – As yet another news cycle confirms that extreme wealth functions as a force field against accountability, the discourse has evolved. We’re no longer debating whether to eat the rich; w…
Food
Tim Hortons issues recall after bagels made without burnt edges
CANADA – Tim Hortons issued a recall today for dozens of their toasted bagels that were sold without their signature burnt edges. The Canadian Food Inspection Agency has classified the affe…
Michelin restaurant food poisoning offers 10-course vomit experience
Toronto ON – Michelin restaurant, Aluris 2090, is proudly serving a food poisoning experience that creates a 10-course vomit experience. Aluris 2090 was awarded its first Michelin Star this…
Subway unveils latest sloppy food tube
TORONTO – Reporters have gathered at Toronto’s Yorkville Subway to witness the sandwich company’s latest breakthrough in the field of ladling a bunch of sauce onto some salty meat crammed in a tu…
A&W’s new Complicated Family Menu features Step-Mom Burger, Secret Cousin Burger
NORTH VANCOUVER — A&W Canada announced their new Complicated Family Menu today, featuring old favourites like the Mama Burger and Papa Burger, plus an assortment of more modern offerings, in…
Patriotic Canadians resigned to consuming Pizza Pizza
BARRIE – In the face of the Trump administration’s trade war, everyday Canadians have been taking drastic measures to support the Canadian economy – such as purchasing and pretending to genuinely…
Self-described “grill master” skills limited to hot dogs and frozen burgers
Rogersville, NB – After spending over $6,000 on a propane grill and accessories, Robert Arsenault has to date grilled only hot dogs and hamburgers. Arsenault, 39, recently renovated the pat…
Man’s weight loss resolution already complete thanks to a diet of raw milk, raw chicken, and raw salmonella
Toronto ON —Gary Packett, 35, has already achieved his weight loss goal of losing 100 pounds, thanks to his revolutionary new diet consisting entirely of raw milk, raw chicken, and a healthy dos…
Man living off-grid on deserted island still somehow received HelloFresh invite
UNKNOWN – For the past year, Kevin Orson had been living anonymously on a deserted island, free of modern annoyances like social media, junk mail, and people. But his world was turned upsid…
Tim Hortons to release names of everyone who failed Roll Up the Rim skill testing question
Toronto, ON – Coffee lovers, rejoice! Roll Up the Rim to Win is back… with a twist. This year, Tim Hortons will publicly shame all customers who incorrectly answer the skill-testing question on t…
