MONTREAL — McGill University researchers specializing in Orchestral Sciences have announced a newly discovered superconductor with astonishing implications for the future of music. “We now have a…
Dumb Week
Lame firetruck barely on fire
LITTLE BAY, ON – For something that purports to be a truck of flame, one local engine can scarcely be said to be burning at all. “This is bullshit,” said local man Dave Menenzes. “You hear …
Man clipping his toenails at work suddenly realizes entire rest of UN looking at him
GENEVA – After spending 10 minutes carefully cutting his toenails on his desk, Elbio Rosselli, the Permanent Representative of Uruguay to the United Nations, suddenly realized that the enti…
Autocorrected text results in mob boss ordering “massage” killing
MONTREAL – The convicted head of an organized crime syndicate in Montreal has been found responsible for ordering the murder of a rival gang member who died after sustaining multiple massag…
Film featuring two female characters having a conversation about margarine passes the Becel Test
HOLLYWOOD – Vegetable oil advocates around the world are celebrating the release of “Two if By Sea”, which successfully passes the Becel Test with its unflinching depiction of women freely discus…
Man covered in burn marks does not understand the term “personal branding”
VICTORIA – Self-dubbed “marketing aficionado” Lester Plant is beginning to worry his friends and family, as he becomes increasingly covered in serious burns in an effort to step up his pers…
Local man somehow always wakes up in Peterborough every time he gets blackout drunk
PETERBOROUGH, ON – After a late night spent drinking with friends and bar-hopping, Toronto man Mackenzie Phillips woke up in Peterborough yet again this morning. “Oh geez bud, the ‘borough …
French Stewart casts deciding vote to expel German Stewart from Stewropean Union
BRUSSELS – Following weeks of debate and referendum, actor French Stewart has cast the decisive vote to have German Stewart removed from the European association of Stewarts known as the Stewrope…
