LONDON – Master Class, the online education platform featuring celebrity instructors like Serena Williams and Martin Scorsese, has made history by signing a contract with the fetus inside K…
Dumb Week
Local man starting to suspect shiny piece of plastic he bought is not actually bitcoin
REGINA – Timothy Bear has started to believe that they may be a slim chance that the 7 inch wide, shiny plastic coin he purchased may not be the piece of crypto currency that he initially t…
Worldwide bee extinction linked to Doug: The Amazing Bee-Eating Man
VANCOUVER – Scientists have finally narrowed down the cause of the mass bee extinction happening around the world to the activities of Doug Livingstone, professionally known as The Amazing Bee-Ea…
Orchestra scientists discover new superconductor
MONTREAL — McGill University researchers specializing in Orchestral Sciences have announced a newly discovered superconductor with astonishing implications for the future of music. “We now have a…
Lame firetruck barely on fire
LITTLE BAY, ON – For something that purports to be a truck of flame, one local engine can scarcely be said to be burning at all. “This is bullshit,” said local man Dave Menenzes. “You hear …
Man clipping his toenails at work suddenly realizes entire rest of UN looking at him
GENEVA – After spending 10 minutes carefully cutting his toenails on his desk, Elbio Rosselli, the Permanent Representative of Uruguay to the United Nations, suddenly realized that the enti…
Autocorrected text results in mob boss ordering “massage” killing
MONTREAL – The convicted head of an organized crime syndicate in Montreal has been found responsible for ordering the murder of a rival gang member who died after sustaining multiple massag…
Film featuring two female characters having a conversation about margarine passes the Becel Test
HOLLYWOOD – Vegetable oil advocates around the world are celebrating the release of “Two if By Sea”, which successfully passes the Becel Test with its unflinching depiction of women freely discus…
Man covered in burn marks does not understand the term “personal branding”
VICTORIA – Self-dubbed “marketing aficionado” Lester Plant is beginning to worry his friends and family, as he becomes increasingly covered in serious burns in an effort to step up his pers…
Local man somehow always wakes up in Peterborough every time he gets blackout drunk
PETERBOROUGH, ON – After a late night spent drinking with friends and bar-hopping, Toronto man Mackenzie Phillips woke up in Peterborough yet again this morning. “Oh geez bud, the ‘borough …
