VANCOUVER – Casting a dark shadow on a favoured millennial pastime, the Intergovernmental Panel on Escape Rooms released a shocking report today that states in no uncertain terms, if you di…
Culture
Man returns from European vacation with fantastic tales of what they have on Netflix
OTTAWA — Local office temp Ryan Graydon has returned from his first-ever trip to Europe eager to regale his friend with stories of the movies and TV shows available on European Netflix. “So…
Hollywood pretty sure this is the searing climate change documentary that will wake world up
HOLLYWOOD – At the premiere of An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth To Power numerous representatives from the Hollywood community expressed the belief that this would finally be the movie that mo…
CBC splits single white man’s salary between two women, two minorities
TORONTO – Following the departure of longtime anchor Peter Mansbridge, CBC executives have decided to hire a diverse collection of hosts, each of whom will receive an equal share of Mansbri…
‘I genuinely enjoyed that opera’ reports local liar
VANCOUVER – After attending a production of La Bohème local resident Katy Berks has erroneously reported that it was an enjoyable and enriching experience. “I just had the best time at the …
Local activist going to protests to avoid awkward conversation with roommate
TORONTO – Grateful for the mild weather and political unrest, local activist, Kelsey Fuller, keeps going to public protests to avoid having an awkward conversation with her roommate. “Lucki…
Want to feel old? The cast of ‘Student Bodies’ told us they think you’re very old
Every Canadian 90’s kid remembers Student Bodies, that sometimes-corny but oh-so-watchable high school sitcom. But whatever happened to the stars of the show? Well, get ready to feel old, b…
Grateful nation waits with shotgun over George A. Romero’s grave
TORONTO – A mourning country paid its respects to celebrated Canadian film maker George A. Romero yesterday evening by standing outside his grave with shotguns, shovels, and long knives. “M…
Insufferable beer snob to become insufferable weed snob
TORONTO – With the approaching legalization of cannabis, local beer snob Timothy Davis is excited to develop a condescending attitude about marijuana. “Much like Belgian beers, I think that…
To appease male fans, Doctor Who announces every Dalek will have visible penis
LONDON – After severe backlash from male fans following the casting of Jodie Whittaker as the first-ever female Doctor, the producers of Doctor Who have announced that every single Dalek in…
