BRAMPTON, ON – Seeking to emulate the rough-and-tumble action featured on the critically acclaimed HBO series Deadwood, local man Louis Fresno is now in incredible pain after escalating a m…
Culture
Netflix to revive family-favourite Grandma
LOS ANGELES (AP) – Following the successful revivals of Fuller House, Gilmore Girls, and Arrested Development, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will be resurrecting your dead grandmother. “Nosta…
16 years after Gangs of New York, Daniel Day-Lewis still refusing to drop character as Bill the Butcher
NEW YORK – Proving his dedication to the craft of acting, Daniel Day-Lewis is still roaming the streets of New York city with a cleaver, even though principal photography on Gangs of New Yo…
St. Francis Xavier’s pinky finger curls ominously after parishioner makes first wish
Antigonish, NS – Reports indicate that the relic of St. Francis Xavier has curled back one of its digits after a man reportedly made a wish for $200,000 to pay for his mortgage. “I warned y…
Ryans Gosling and Reynolds accidentally go to each other’s homes after Golden Globes
HOLLYWOOD, CA – After attending Golden Globes in Los Angeles, two Hollywood hunks, Ryans Gosling and Reynolds, inadvertently went home to each other’s houses after the lavish event. The Can…
Antichrist able to hire five horsewomen of the apocalypse for the cost of four horsemen
WASHINGTON, DC – In light of the fast-approaching end times, the Antichrist has elected to take advantage of a gender wage gap that sees women earn approximately 20% less than men by hiring…
Bryan Adams releases remastered version of “Summer of ’69” where he giggles every time he says “69”
LOS ANGELES – In celebration of Canadian rock singer Bryan Adams’ most beloved hit, Universal Records announced today that they will be releasing a remastered “honest” ver…
Bruce Cockburn makes good on promise to obtain rocket launcher, kills son-of-a-bitch
PICTON, ON – Legendary Canadian musician Bruce Cockburn has made good on his threat from his 1984 hit, “If I had a Rocket Launcher” and has finally made someone pay. The 72-year-old prolifi…
Local man completely changes personality after being visited by three ghosts
Ach-To — As tends to happen to people on Christmas, local elderly man Luke Skywalker is alleged to have completely changed his personality with a seemingly supernatural abruptness. It is un…
Canadian government greenlights gritty film adaptation of Don’t Put It In Your Mouth PSA
TORONTO – Hoping to capitalize on millennial nostalgia through a newly awarded government grant, Canadian mega-studio Concerned Children’s Advertisers has greenlit a feature length adaptati…
