LONDON, ONT – In a stunning feat of perseverance, an ageing, tattered pair of camel coloured Ugg boots have managed to survive yet another year in their owner’s annual closet purge. “I just can’t…
Culture
Timothee Chalamet will now play every human on earth by 2023
LOS ANGELES – Following his successful portrayal of Henry V in The King and the announcement that he will be playing Bob Dylan in an upcoming biopic, Timothee Chalamet has announced that he…
Nation’s serial killers offended by how sexualized they are in film and television
LONDON, ON – Recently, several of the nation’s most prolific serial killers have come forward to protest the way they are over-sexualized in the media. “It seems people would rather d…
“There’s no money in the arts,” scoffs man who just paid $1,000 for Hamilton tickets
TORONTO – Jon Hudson, a financial district lawyer, was overheard yesterday at a restaurant commenting on how the arts weren’t a worthwhile pursuit because they weren’t profitable. He quickly foll…
Nation’s boyfriends begrudgingly moved by Little Women
TORONTO – Several weeks after Greta Gerwig’s 2019 adaptation of Little Women was released, thousands of boyfriends nation-wide confessed to being moved emotionally and spiritually by the fi…
5 TV shows you should watch before we all die
With global warming leaving most of the world on fire, the US trying to start World War III, and vapes giving us all popcorn lung, there is only one thing to take comfort in – it will all b…
Local actress successfully deprograms member of hereditary cult
LONDON – Meghan Markle, an actress best known for her role on the USA network series Suits is now adding another role to her CV: deprogrammer. “Extracting a cult member is notoriously diffi…
“I’d love to be catcalled,” says man who has never feared for his life
OTTAWA – After an intense discussion with female friends about the constant barrage of unwanted sexual attention women experience on the street, Jim Marsden announced that he would love to be cat…
George RR Martin confesses he lost next Game of Thrones book down a storm drain
NEW JERSEY – Famed fantasy novelist George RR Martin appeared before bewildered reporters this past Tuesday to tearfully admit that he accidentally lost the recently-finished next instalment of h…
Editorial: Oscar Season is Heating Up! by a child named Oscar
By Oscar Barnes, Grade 2 Hi! The calendar is flipping to January, and if you love great movies, that means one thing: It’s time to start thinking about Oscar! Because he is hosting a birthday par…
