SAN FRANCISCO – Twitter confirmed today that it is looking to boost falling revenues by asking users to pay money in order to be harassed by strangers online. “We are exploring ways to give…
Culture
The Beaverton’s top five four three two one uncancellable hunks of Hollywood
Guess what, Beav Babes? The annual list you’ve been waiting for is finally here! Every year we assemble a list of five guaranteed unproblematic hot Hollywood hunks that you can crush on, 100% gui…
Festivals on indefinite hold until deemed safe enough to have a 6’8’’ man block your view
GENEVA – Plans to allow music festivals to continue with their rescheduled dates have been put on indefinite hold by the World Health Organization until deemed safe enough to have a 6’8” ma…
In push for racial unity, white woman volunteers to try jerk chicken
TORONTO – In solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement and in an attempt to solve racial unrest once and for all, a local white woman volunteered to try jerk chicken for the very firs…
Man who said ‘Believe All Women’ clarifies he did not mean the ones accusing him
OTTAWA – Kyle Traylor, self-proclaimed feminist, recently amended his previous claims that we should ‘Believe All Women,’ indicating that, “Yes of course we need to believe all women” but t…
Ennio Morricone Passes Away in Prolonged Standoff
AMERICAN WILD WEST – Award-winning composer of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Ennio Morricone was found dead last night during a Mexican Standoff in a Civil War Graveyard. Prior to his p…
Toddler finally has time to catch up with latest season of Doc McStuffins
WINDSOR, ON – As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to keep most Canadians indoors, many are using their down time to catch up on things they wouldn’t have time for otherwise. Among them is 2-…
Study: You’re not a Slytherin, you’re an asshole
Cambridge, MA – A recent study by the Harvard school of Witchcraft and Wizardry has revealed that being a Slytherin does not pardon you from being an asshole. “The purpose of the study was …
Ben Mulroney steps aside from ETalk to make space for White Saviour complex
TORONTO – Amidst the controversy surrounding wife Jessica Mulroney, Etalk anchor Ben Mulroney has announced his departure from the show in order to focus on his white savior complex. “I lov…
Aspiring writer makes it to screenwriting competition finals with 19,000 others
Fort McMurray, AB – Gallons of Dom Perignon were smashed with wanton destruction upon many a hypothetical yacht hull when local self-described ‘Jack Carowak’ Roger Pithy announced he had pr…
