NEW YORK – Russian military intelligence has discovered that the genetic and agricultural giant Monsanto has been engaging in chemical warfare within Syria. Putin announced this discovery after r…
Local man left lost and confused after fiancée takes date of birth off Facebook
MONTREAL – Harry Shield is looking for a gift for his bride-to-be’s birthday, which is next tuesday or wednesday or thursday – ever since she stopped listing her birthday on Facebook,…
Trudeau fetus polling well in focus groups
OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau’s expected third child has polled well among voters according to Nanos Research. Since conception, the Trudeau fetus has been polling well in focus groups especially…
All 200 high school valedictorians in university course expect to finish top of class
MONTREAL – With the first day of university quickly approaching, all 200 high school valedictorians enrolled in “Introduction to Western Civilisation” at McGill are raring to start and expe…
Malia Obama catches father intercepting her text messages
WASHINGTON, DC – Tempers flared at the White House Monday night when Malia Obama discovered her father had been reading her text messages. The fourteen year-old first daughter was outraged …
Via Rail announces new slightly faster than slow train between Toronto and Montreal
MONTREAL – In response to growing competition from airplanes, buses, automobiles and walking, Via Rail unveiled its new mediocre-speed train for the Toronto-Montreal corridor on Monday. “Th…
Schoolboy prepares for return to school by making up name of girl he kissed at camp
Thetford Mines, PQ – This has been a big summer for Timmy Nolan, who kissed a girl for the first time, or so he plans on telling his friends. Nolan, 10, bet his friends that this would be t…
Canada only finds Arctic interesting, attractive when someone else wants it
In light of the American and Russian advances towards the Arctic, Canada has suddenly realized how much the Arctic means to it. With thinning of sea ice, the leaner and sexier version of the Cana…
Drug-fueled former athlete defeats Hulk Hogan in arm-wrestling match
TORONTO – As part of the annual pop culture spectacle Fan Expo Canada, Rob ‘The Mayor’ Ford today defeated former WWE wrestler Hulk Hogan in an arm-wrestling bout. Despite today’s defeat, a…
90-year old skydiver stays at home on birthday
HAMILTON – Having cheated death on 2674 skydiving attempts, 90-year old skydiver Jacqueline Dupray had no interest jumping out of a plane on her birthday. The regular skydiving instructor at Anci…
