Since the downfall of The Sun News Network, conservative commentator Ezra Levant has announced that he will launch The Rebel, an online media network, from his living room as soon as he can get h…
Single man buys special Valentine’s Day bag of Tostitos
CHURCHILL, MA – Local man Ryan Booker has finalized his Valentine’s Day plans this year by pre-purchasing the special bag of tortilla chips that he will eat on his own during the most…
John Baird resigns as foreign minister to spend more time stopping progress at home
OTTAWA – Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird surprised reporters yesterday by announcing that he would be leaving his post in order to spend his time preventing development and change in hi…
Ghostbusters fans ain’t afraid of no ghosts, unless that ghost has a vagina
THE INTERNET – After director Paul Feig announced that his Ghostbusters reboot would feature an all-female cast of Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Leslie Jones and Kate McKinnon, many fans …
Rich, handsome bachelor secretly very unhappy, hopefully
WHISTLER, B.C. – Colleagues and casual acquaintances have agreed that, despite immense wealth and the jaw line of a young George Clooney, local man Hunt Delaney is probably quite sad and lo…
Study: It’s not what you know, it’s who you know that’s rich
VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia have completed a study proving that knowledge, skill, and accreditation are meaningless in the face of how many wealthy people you kn…
Jonathan Bernier praises Magic Johnson for ending apartheid
TORONTO – Following an interview in which he claimed that Nelson Mandela was one of the athletes he grew up watching, Toronto Maple Leafs goalie Jonathan Bernier went on to state his admira…
Jian Ghomeshi not entirely turned on by Toronto Police’s handcuffs
TORONTO – After being released on bail Wednesday afternoon, sources say disgraced CBC radio personality, Jian Ghomeshi, was not as turned on by the Toronto Police handcuffs as he had expected to …
Wal-Mart declares in-store murder legal on Black Friday
BENTONVILLE, AR – Based on the success of the recent Purge film series, retail giant Walmart has announced that, on Black Friday, all crimes, including murder, that are committed in Walmart…
Grand jury investigation finds that Ferguson officer was white
FERGUSON, MI – Following an intense, months-long investigation into the police shooting of 18 year-old Michael Brown, a St. Louis county grand jury has discovered Officer Darren Wilson was …
