ATHENS – Following a conveniently timed demand that Germany pay further reparations arising from its occupation of Greece during WWII, the Greek government has gone on to demand the governm…
Leafs platinum ticket holder throws Armani dinner jacket onto ice
TORONTO – After spending thousands of dollars on season tickets and pre-game sushi only to see the Leafs lose again and again, local man and ACC Platinum Club member Winston Scott joined th…
Top 10 Saskatchewan hockey rinks to take a piss in
Now that hockey season is starting to come to an end, and spring has almost sprung, it’s time for The Beaverton’s annual review of the best Saskatchewan hockey rinks we pissed in this…
Tax season makes man glad he saved that Wendy’s receipt from 7 months ago
SARNIA, ON – As he completes his tax return, local man David Cupchik says he is very happy that he remembered to get that receipt from the $8.99 chicken sandwich combo he ordered at the Wen…
CRTC mandates cable companies reduce prices, offer flexibility, be the internet
OTTAWA – After months of deliberation, the Canadian Radio and Television Commission released a ruling requiring large cable companies like Rogers and Bell to offer customers the kind of che…
Feds ask workers with disabilities to shred policy on human decency before laying them off
OTTAWA – The federal government has made one final request to 50 wastepaper workers with intellectual disabilities before they are laid off and the work given to more expensive private comp…
Tory MP Larry Miller apologizes for racist comments which he still stands by and does not apologize for
OWEN SOUND – Conservative MP Larry Miller has apologized for telling women wearing the niqab to “stay the hell where you came from”, a claim which he refuses to apologize for. “My comments …
Local man just wants to listen to the band Nekrofilth in peace
CLEVELAND, OH – Metalhead James Forrest, tired after a long and stressful day, said he just wants to come home and listen to songs like Junkie Cunt in order to relax, but is having difficul…
Comedy visionary dreamed of a world that made more sense to him
When starting a website that you want to become the premiere source of satire and comedy writing in a country, you need things. Money, business contacts, endorsements from prominent people. Laure…
Report: dime still not subway token
TORONTO – Despite being certain that he had finally found the missing subway token in his jacket pocket, local man Ryan Malan discovered it was, yet again, nothing but a dime. “I looked in …
