MONTREAL, 1973 – Local scientist Carey Holton says as he grows older and travels more and more through time, he’s concerned that he’s becoming the one thing he said he never would: his fath…
Patrick Brown, Doug Ford likely to split all-important asshole vote in Tory leadership race
TORONTO – With the leadership vote mere weeks away, pollsters are reporting that frontrunner Doug Ford and disgraced former leader Patrick Brown are splitting the vote of the PC party’s lar…
Criminal justice system charged with accessory to murder in Colten Boushie case
North Battleford, SK – After an all-white jury returned a verdict of “not guilty”, despite expert and eyewitness testimony, the Canadian criminal justice system has been formally charged wi…
Problem no longer in the news probably solved by now
NORTH AMERICA – After dropping out of the 24-hour news cycle several months ago, mainstream media experts are reporting that all problems across the world have been solved by now, probably.…
Quebec fights back against Islamic extremism by oppressing women and religious minorities
MONTREAL – Quebecers are celebrating today after the Liberal government passed a bill outlawing the use of religious veils in government-owned spaces, finally striking a blow against milita…
Doctors concerned Sidney Crosby has sustained another concussion after he accepts invitation to Trump White House
PITTSBURGH – Sidney Crosby has accepted President Donald Trump’s invitation to visit the White House, leading neurologists to believe that the former NHL MVP has received a concussion in th…
Lynn Beyak asks Indigenous Canadians to join rest of Canada in ignoring Indigenous issues
OTTAWA – After spending several months carefully examining and refining her position, Senator Lynn Beyak has released a statement encouraging Indigenous Canadians to put aside their grudges…
Rich Canadians horrified as Hurricane Irma bears down on helpless 5-star resorts
CANADA – As the category 5 Hurricane Irma barrels through the Caribbean and Florida, the top 0.1% of Canadian earners are bracing themselves emotionally for the destruction of the world’s b…
Ontarians forced to hang out with Kathleen Wynne now that she’s their dealer
TORONTO – The entire province of Ontario has resigned itself to hanging out with Kathleen Wynne for the next few years while she deals to them. “God this is always so awkward,” said Sudbury…
Ann Coulter finally allowed to die after Tomi Lahren joins Fox News
NEW YORK – Following the hiring of right-wing pundit Tomi Lahren, Fox News has announced that they will finally be allowing long-time contributor Ann Coulter to die. “So much pain… fo…